25 Things I Have Learned from Watching Porn

1. No matter how disgustingly blank a person is, there is someone out there who will fuck him/her.
2. There are women out there wearing butt plugs right now.
3. 99% of all women are shaved.
4. Surprisingly, so are 50% of the men.
5. Nuns and priests have a better sex life than I do.
6. There are secret rooms in your neighbors' houses that you don't want to know about.
7. All your relatives, in-laws, and neighbors are screwing each other.
8. There are sexual fringe benefits to the following professions: babysitter, delivery service, teacher, law enforcement, gardener, pool boy, handyman, waitstaff, cook, servants, postal carriers.
9. Be sure to keep your house clean because sooner or later someone will be having sex somewhere in it.
10. Have all your furniture scotch-guarded and constantly wipe down every table, counter, and flat surface.
11. There are 20-30 year old people still attending high school.
12. Be very suspicious if your teen-age children suddenly become straight-A students.
13. Be good to your spouse, or he/she will have sex with any number of random people simultaneously.
14. Invest in the following growth industries: thong underwear, sex toys, body jewelry, whipped cream, tattoo parlors, leather, and latex.
15. If you want a good night's sleep, put a lock on your bedroom door.
16. If you see ping pong paddles but no table in your neighbor's house, don't turn your back on them.
17. Be sure to wash all fruits and vegetables before consumption.
18. Always wear clean underwear, as you never know who will be removing them;
    
19. There's a hidden camera somewhere near you.
20. It's very hard to get a woman to remove their stilettos.
21. The following statements/questions are sexual come-ons:
        Have you seen my dog?
        Can I clean the room now?
        My blank isn't home right now.
        I can't afford that.
        Happy Birthday.
22. There's more hardware in a bedside table than a Home Depot.
23. The reaction from someone walking in while you are having sex will not be what you expect.
24. Situations that you would expect to hinder your sex life, such as imprisonment or hospitalization, can actually improve it.
25. Every man in the world has a larger dick than I do.