25 Things I Have Learned from Watching Porn

1. No matter how disgustingly blank a person is, there is someone out there who will fuck him/her.
2. There are women out there wearing butt plugs right now.
3. 99% of all women are shaved.
4. Surprisingly, so are 50% of the men.
5. Nuns and priests have a better sex life than I do.
6. There are secret rooms in your neighbors' houses that you don't want to know about.
7. All your relatives, in-laws, and neighbors are screwing each other.
8. There are sexual fringe benefits to the following professions: babysitter, delivery service, teacher, law enforcement, gardener, pool boy, handyman, waitstaff, cook, servants, postal carriers.
9. Be sure to keep your house clean because sooner or later someone will be having sex somewhere in it.
10. Have all your furniture scotch-guarded and constantly wipe down every table, counter, and flat surface.
11. There are 20-30 year old people still attending high school.
12. Be very suspicious if your teen-age children suddenly become straight-A students.
13. Be good to your spouse, or he/she will have sex with any number of random people simultaneously.
14. Invest in the following growth industries: thong underwear, sex toys, body jewelry, whipped cream, tattoo parlors, leather, and latex.
15. If you want a good night's sleep, put a lock on your bedroom door.
16. If you see ping pong paddles but no table in your neighbor's house, don't turn your back on them.
17. Be sure to wash all fruits and vegetables before consumption.
18. Always wear clean underwear, as you never know who will be removing them;
    
19. There's a hidden camera somewhere near you.
20. It's very hard to get a woman to remove their stilettos.
21. The following statements/questions are sexual come-ons:
        Have you seen my dog?
        Can I clean the room now?
        My blank isn't home right now.
        I can't afford that.
        Happy Birthday.
22. There's more hardware in a bedside table than a Home Depot.
23. The reaction from someone walking in while you are having sex will not be what you expect.
24. Situations that you would expect to hinder your sex life, such as imprisonment or hospitalization, can actually improve it.
25. Every man in the world has a larger dick than I do.

Twitter, Porn Stars and Me

In my pursuit of all things porno, I have a great deal of appreciation for the internet and how it has evolved over the years. I started out with the 30 second porn clips on crude web sites, then moved on to chat rooms on Yahoo, exchanging pictures via email, video chat, and downloading full scenes and movies from torrent sites (I may go into more detail about some of these in a later posting). Being an old fellow, I pretty much ignored social networking - if I didn't know you or haven't talked to you in years, why should I be interested in what you have to say? Sure, I found a couple of interesting sites on MySpace, but it wasn't worth joining the site.

Then I heard about something called twitter, which by its description sounded like the most annoying thing I could think of. Broadcasting messages about yourself indiscriminately on the internet all day long? How conceited is that? Who honestly believes anyone cares about everything they are doing (except Ashton Kutcher)?

What changed my mind was Bill Simmons the Sports Guy (http://twitter.com/sportsguy33). He is a humorous sport columnist who does articles and podcasts for ESPN. At one time he shared my opinion about twitter. Then he started using it to comment on sporting events as they happen and to advertise when new articles and podcasts were posted. I decided to sign up to follow him.

When you sign up for any internet site two things happens: you get spam and you explore all the features.  Twitter is rather interesting to explore; you can see who is following and who follows each other. As you jump from person to person, you can get some really interesting glimpses of people (yes, I admit I was wrong). I was just planning on following Bill, but then I picked up on other sites like The Onion  (http://twitter.com/TheOnion), Shit my dad says (http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays) and other funny posters. 
One day, out of curiosity, I typed in one of my favorite porn star's name. Much to my surprise, I found her.  And then I looked at who she follows. And so on.

I had to get me some of this.

The first thing I did was make a new twitter account just for the purpose of following adult actresses - I don't really want people to know what I do in my spare time (I might want to run for public office someday - HA!). I then started following some of the stars. A portion of their tweets are announcements of appearances, updates to their pay websites, etc. But I found out a lot of interesting things:

• Most of them have pets that they post pictures of on Twitter pix sites
• They have incredible travel schedules and the usual travel problems: late flights, lost luggage, etc.
• They like to eat
• They like to kid around with their friends
• Some are married with kids or are in a steady relationship

In other words, they are people. People who are interesting in their own rights (besides what they do for a living). People who I'd like to talk to even if I hadn't seen them naked more times than my wife.

So what the heck, I tweeted them.

And they tweet me back! One actually follows ME!

I'm not after any kind of a sexual thrill from these interactions. I just like having conversations with them. I know it isn't really friendship, but we have back and forth tweets and I can make them laugh. I'm glad I have the opportunity to know them beyond what I've seen.  And who knows, maybe they’re glad to know me?

Porn Themes I Don’t Like (First in a Series)

The internet has opened a vast array of porn to the average web surfer. I, being an above average surfer, have found almost more than I can handle. Just as impressive as the amount of porn available is the variety. Frankly, I have seen things I never knew existed. Some of these remind me of the old joke that the bravest person in the history of the world was the first person who drank milk (See those things hanging below that animal? I’m going over there and pull on them and whatever comes out, I’m going to drink!). I would love to know what prompted the first people who ever did some of this stuff.


As a discriminating consumer, I have compiled a list of what I like and what I don’t like. I will be sharing both lists over time, as the variety of available themes far exceeds what should go in a single blog post (you can tell from my previous posts I am fairly long-winded and addicted to asides). Use these list to judge if, should you ever meet me, you would say “Pleased to meet you” and share a cup of coffee or you would beat me over the head violently with a dead skunk – which by the way is on my list of dislikes.

I’m not saying that these themes should be outlawed. Any consensual act between people that does not do permanent harm should not be anyone’s business (I draw the line at such things as mutilation and child porn). I’m just saying that sites that advertise things such as “Watch me fuck an iguana” will not be getting my viewership.

So, in no particular order, my dislikes:

Facials

I know these are the ending shot of almost every video that has a guy in it, but they just don’t appeal to me. Frankly, I feel that they are very disrespectful to the person receiving. I understand that seeing the male orgasm is required viewing (here’s a question: why?), but to see his partner’s face turned into a gooey mess just detracts from my enjoyment. Give me the belly shot, the pearl necklace, or just pull out and cum on her ass - my favorite. There’s something about seeing a load on a round bottom that I find appealing.

Gang Bangs

I don’t understand the attraction to these. You don’t get a very good look at the girl. There are always guys jacking off in the background. It doesn’t look very comfortable at all for anybody. And the final shot is almost always a bunch of guys practically drowning the poor girl in sperm.

A variation to this is the “how many men can the star handle “videos (I.e. “The Houston 500”). It isn’t really my idea of fucking (six pumps, bring in the next guy). How anyone can get a woody from that is beyond me.

Extreme Anal

Similar to facials, a high percentage of male/female videos have anal sex in them. Now, I can accept that there must be some kind of sexual satisfaction for the bottom, seeing that it is a major part of male gay sex. I admit getting turned on by the up-against-the-wall pull-up-the-skirt pull-down the thong get-down-to-it scenario. I also admit there are videos with women that have a reasonably sized butt plug in them that do it for me (there is one Gauge and Aurora Snow video where the plug has a horse tail that is just outstanding). However, there are limits. First, whatever is going up there should be smaller than a ping pong ball. Second, I am really turned off when they have shots where the asshole is the size of a manhole. Finally, the shot where the girl is forcing the sperm back out? Is that really necessary?

Fisting

The thought of turning a person into a hand puppet doesn’t do a thing for me. Four fingers – that’s the limit.

Scat

Peeing and crapping on each other? Yuck! (Again, who first came up with this?)

By the way, I have seen the infamous “Two Girls and a Cup” video. I don’t know if it is because I’m not surprised by how people can behave or because I have a strong stomach, but I didn’t scream or cover my eyes or run out of the room. I didn’t get any kind of enjoyment out of it, but it didn’t get to me.

Overuse of Blowjobs

Look, I enjoy watching a good blowjob. There are a number of women out there that do a tremendous job. But it is only one aspect of porn. I want to get to the fucking in a reasonable amount of time. When the blowjob portion is over half the length of the video it is too much. And many times, after an extremely long blow job finally leads to some screwing, they go back and do some more! Enough is enough!

As an aside, I would like to confess here that I have never gotten one. Yup, 54 years old and never been sucked. It is the only thing on my bucket list (Meeting the president vs. getting a blowjob? Let me just drop trou). Perhaps this is a factor in my dislike of prolonged bj scenes.

Close-ups of Genitalia

I get that the major difference between softcore and hardcore porn is actually showing dicks and pussies. But ten straight minutes of looking at a close-up of a guy’s hairy butt and dangling balls? No thank you. Give me a long shot. Heaving bodies and facial reactions all at once – now you’re talking!

To be continued …

Susannah Breslin on recession and adult biz

Susannah Breslin (of Reverse Cowgirl Blog fame) has created a web site They Shoot Porn Stars, Don't They? which hosts her photo essay on the current state of the porn industry. Although it concentrates a bit too much on Jim Powers (the porn producer, not the wrestler) for my taste, it is an interesting read.

My Two Most Embarrassing Porn Moments

Porn has been a part of my life since the time I saw a grainy film projected against a sheet in a friend’s cellar. Since then I have watched, read, written, drawn, listened to, and spoken sexually explicit material by myself or with others. I have no idea the total amount I have experienced. I experienced it through the years according to what was available: Playboy/Penthouse/Hardcore magazines during the print era, rentals during the video store period, and finally the internet downloads of today. I have had a number of periods where I collected it. I would gather porn steadily until I reached a saturation point. Then either the total amount I had or a wave of catholic guilt over what I was doing overwhelmed me and I threw out what I had. Currently I am back downloading internet porn (I have a WD Passport with 152 GB) and I really don’t see myself stopping any time soon (or at least until I reach the 320 GB maximum).


When I collect I have managed to keep my cache hidden from the people I’ve lived with. I had hidden storage areas throughout my home and password protected sections of hard drives (even ones that were shared with my family). I managed to indulge my urges surreptitiously (which has included sneaking a laptop into the bathroom for private viewing) and almost never got caught. Almost….

My first embarrassing moment came in the seventh grade. While I didn’t really have access to porn at that time, I was starting to get an appreciation of women from my comic books. Wonder Woman, Zatanna, the Black Widow: some had fishnets, some had low cut tops, all had bodies that wouldn’t quit. I especially liked when they were unconscious and carried off over the shoulder (a fetish I still like to this day – especially naked OTS).

Another activity I was starting to appreciate was catfighting. There was just something exciting watching women fight – especially if the participants were in skimpy clothing. I only had brief moments of experience with this – a movie here; a television show there. Professional wrestling had its moments, but unfortunately the Fabulous Moolah wasn’t all that stimulating.

My final inspiration was the S twins – two blond sisters that could have be members of the Swedish Bikini Team when they grew up. They were just starting to bloom and all the boys in my class were aware of it at some level (just like that South Park episode). Due to our school arranging our desks in alphabetical order, they sat in the row to the left of me and one desk behind. We talked a little, but we weren’t friends.

One day I dropped my pen and had to lean down to pick it up. It had rolled, so my head was practically touching the ground when I got it. I was pulling myself back up when I happened to glance back.

And I had a clear view right up one of the S twin’s skirt. I could see the “v” of her white flowered panties between her legs. It was the best thing I had ever seen.

I quickly pulled myself up, a mixture of fear, shame, and desire flooding over me. I was going to hell. I had seen heaven. I couldn’t tell anyone what I had seen. I wanted to shout a cry of triumph. I was pretty much useless for the rest of the day.

During the next few days I was a nervous wreck. I was certain that the D twin knew what I had seen and had reported me. I waited for the teacher to punish me; my parents to scream at me. I was living on borrowed time.

Eventually I realized that nothing was going to happen to me. I had gotten away with it! At first I was relieved, but then a new thought occurred to me. If I wasn’t caught, maybe I could do it again. I picked up my pencil and contemplated what I was about to do. Fear fought a losing battle with lust. A slight toss and the pencil went sailing into the aisle. I leaned over, picked up the pencil, and nonchalantly (I hoped) looked back. The panties were pink this time.

I developed a case of the “dropsies” - spreading out my pen drops to avoid suspicion. Eventually I became quite familiar with the S twin’s underwear collection. It was fantastic.

When I wasn’t staring at the S twin’s crotch, I was expanding my comic book collection. I decided that when I grew up I was going to draw comic books for DC. I began copying panels from my comics as a way to train myself. I went from heroes to heroines to heroes carrying heroines to heroines carrying heroines to heroines catfighting. In all honesty I was quite good at it.

In school one day after a particularly good panty view I came up with the ultimate combination: superheroines in underwear first catfighting, then tying up the losers and carrying them off OTS. I was stunned by the brilliance of the concept. It was an idea that could not wait. During study time I began drawing a fight scene in my notebook. I had heroines in bearhugs, heroines in head scissors, face-to-face holds, 2-on-1’s, etc. All the participants were in scanty underwear (I had their initials on their panties so you could tell who was who).

I got so engrossed with my drawing I neglected to check on my surroundings. The guy sitting next to me caught a glimpse of what I was doing and before I could stop him he grabbed my notebook away from me.

“Whatcha doing?” he asked. He took a good long look at my work. [I have to take a small break here to mention that my school reputation was threefold: I was the smartest male student, I was short and squat, and I was a “good” kid.] My classmate saw my work as an opportunity to bring me down a few pegs. “Hey, Mrs. K [our teacher], look what V is doing!” Mrs. K, who was already on her way over when she saw him grab my notebook, took it from him and looked inside.

“I’m just practicing my drawing…” was all I managed to get out. Mrs. K’s eyes widened. “Oh my God” was all she said. She looked at me with a combination of shock and amusement. I wanted to crawl inside my desk and never come out. Without another word she handed me back my notebook. Everybody in the class was looking at me, wondering what I had done. I immediately started erasing my drawing. What I had done would soon be known, but there would be no evidence. It took several weeks for the laughing and teasing to stop.

My second embarrassment occurred many years later after I had graduated college. I was then old enough to buy porn. In fact, I would occasionally buy it for some of my friends, as they were too embarrassed to buy it themselves.

[I need to take another break here. This was back when Playboy and Penthouse could be found in the general magazine racks. While I did buy them, I had to psych myself up in the store before I could grab one and take it to the store counter. I also had to wait until there was no one else at the counter to see me buy it. I preferred male sales clerks.]

My best friend T had moved to Maryland for a new job. This was the time of really cheap airfare – a round trip ticket cost less than $100. We made plans for me to visit him for a weekend just to hang around and see where he lived. As he was one of my friends who could not buy his own porn, he asked me to bring some of mine with me. I was more than happy to share and on the day of my trip I had around a dozen issues of Playboy in my carry-on bag (including my favorite: August 1972 – Barbara Hershey in Boxcar Bertha, the Girls of Munich, and (sigh) centerfold Linda Summers. Look her up).

While security in those days wasn’t anywhere near what we endure today, carryon bags were x-rayed and people went through metal detectors before they boarded. I had taken a number of airline trips up to that time and had never had any problem with my bags. On this day I put my bag on the conveyer belt, went through the metal detector and went to get my bag. It wasn’t there.

No problem, I thought. Sometimes it takes a while for the bag to go through. So I waited.

“Baggage check,” someone called out.

Hmm, I thought. Someone must have some weird looking thing in their bag. Well, this ought to free my bag up.

“Is this your bag?” A rather good looking woman in uniform was holding my carryon. The full magnitude of what was about to happen hit me like a truck. All I could do was nod. She took my bag over to a table where another good-looking woman joined her. With sweat breaking out on my brow I watched them unzip my bag and saw my Playboys pour out. They both looked at me with an “oh really?” expression.

“I don’t suppose you’d believe me if I told you they were for a friend?” I said with a weak smile. They said nothing, just pushed my bag at me. I could feel their scorn. Without looking at them I shoved the books back in the bag, walked over to my gate with head down, and sat as far away from my fellow travelers as I could.

Needless to say, T had to get his own porn from that day forward.