A Frightening Experience (or What I have in Common with Guy Pearce)

It’s been a while since I wrote anything here, but something very frightening happened to me that I want to talk about. I am still nervous about it as I am not sure the incident is over.

But first some background (as usual for me).

For the past four years I have been working at a job that has made me miserable. I had good intentions when I started there, as the company’s CEO was someone I have known for 40 years and I’ve known the guy I would be reporting direct to for 25 years. Within 18 months both would be gone – tossed out by a venture capital group that wanted to put in their own people. These new people had no idea how to run a software company, so before long a 30+ person company became a 12 person company. I ended up doing the job of three people as they never hired anyone to replace those who left/were laid off.

I will not go into all the details about all the things that were wrong with the software and the company (which I am sure you are all breathing a sigh of relief over). All that matters is that I ended up hating every moment I was there. I became depressed, gained weight, and caused those around me to worry about me. Naturally I looked for another job; I went to many interviews, several second interviews, but could never get a job offer. I finally became so depressed that I stopped trying. I resigned myself to being in my horrible job for the foreseeable future.

That was my state until a few weeks ago when out of the blue a headhunter approached me with a position that was as close to a perfect job as I could imagine. I literally jumped out of my chair when she described it to me. I forced myself out of my funk and gave three of the best job interviews I had ever done. Miraculously, I got the job.

I wish I could describe the feeling of relief I had when they made the offer. It made the last two weeks at my old job bearable, as I kept saying to myself “In X days it won’t matter.” I could not leave that place fast enough on the last day.

My first week on the new job was almost like a vacation. The people are great, the location is wonderful, and the work is interesting. There is public transportation available so I could start reading on the commute as I had done years ago (I have an eight-year backlog of reading material).  At the end of the day of that first week I had felt better than I had in years. I rode home on the bus planning on a stress-free weekend for the first time in years.

The next thing I can remember is being wheeled into a CT scanner at the hospital. I had no idea how I got there or what was going on.

I am told that I came home, talked to my family and then went out to pick up dinner from a local place we often get food from. On my way there I lost track of where I was and what I was doing. Fortunately I had the cognizance to park (only 5 minutes from home) and call home for help. My wife drove out to get me and took me to the hospital where I was given tests to see if I had had a stroke or a seizure. I have to take people’s word that is what happened. I have almost no memory at all of the six hour period between when I was on the bus and when I was going into the scanner.

From that point on I was back to normal. The hospital did one more test (EEG) and let me go. I have not had any issues since then.

The doctors diagnosed my incident as transient global amnesia. The description I looked up (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/transient-global-amnesia/DS01022) fit exactly with what I had gone through. I was just like the character in Memento (hence the Guy Pearce reference in the title) .

While I feel fine I still have worries. First of all, transient global amnesia is one of those “We can’t determine what else it could be so it must be this” kind of conditions. They cannot definitively say I had it as there is nothing they can test for – my memory loss could have been the sign of something more serious. (Side note: the website said sexual intercourse could trigger transient global amnesia. That I could have had sex at last and now can't remember it would fit in well with my life story.)  Second, they say that it is “unlikely” that memory loss could reoccur. I do not get much reassurance in that. I still test my memory periodically for any recent gaps. I don’t know how long it will take before I feel comfortable again.

I want to mention two final incidents that occurred during my hospital stay. The first is an explanation of why I wrote that I have “almost” no memory of that time period. Throughout my stay the doctors and nurses asked me questions to test my memory (who were the last five presidents, where was I, etc.). I can remember them asking me what my job was, my saying I was still at my old job, and my wife reminding me of my new job. However, I remember this as occurring several weeks earlier before I had gotten the job. It is as if my mind took this memory and found a slot for it in my past. Even though I know that incident happened during my hospital stay I still remember it earlier.

Second, the doctors and nurses always asked me if I knew what day it was. The problem with that was there was a large day-by-day calendar on the wall of my hospital room.  Whenever they asked I would point at the calendar and say “I think it must be that”.

Here's Something Written in Denmark

(A brief digression about my Copenhagen vacation as people (well two people) have been asking about it)

As usual, I began this blog post a while ago and started immediately overwriting. After several hundred words I decided to chuck the whole thing and just post some of my pictures and add some comments.

By law any discussion of Copenhagen must include the statue of The Little Mermaid. It is one of the iconic vacation attractions - something that whenever you say you went to a city, someone asks "did you go see such-and-such?" There were at least eight tour buses parked near the statue, with dozens of people surrounding it taking pictures of every conceivable angle. Some facts about the statue:

• This is actually a copy. The original statue is in the possession of the heirs of the sculptor (Edvard Eriksen), stored in an undisclosed location.
• There are authorized copies of the statue all over the world. Anyone attempting to display an unauthorized copy will be sued.
• The statue has been in the same location for almost a century except for one 10-month period when it was sent to be part of the Danish exposition at the Shanghai World Expo.

The city of Copenhagen is located on two islands and has a number of canals. I highly recommend taking a boat tour. It gives you a good overview of the city and points out places you can visit on foot later.

Copenhagen reminds me a bit of Amsterdam, but the buildings aren't as narrow or colorful.

While the canals are still used for transportation in the city, some of the bridges are so low that only very small boats can go under them

This is the old Copenhagen Stock Exchange (the Børsen). It was built in the early 1600's and housed the exchange until the 1970's

The building's most notable feature is the Dragon Spire Tower, made from the intertwined tails of four dragons.

Copenhagen has built a lot of their newer buildings along the narrow strait of water that separates the two islands. This is the Copenhagen National Opera House

The Royal Danish Playhouse

The Royal Danish Library, also known as the Black Diamond

 

This is a old waterfront warehouse that was converted into an apartment block

The Danish Royal Yacht: Dannebrog. While it doesn't look that impressive, there are three levels below the waterline. The royal family lives above the waterline, the crew and all the equipment stay below.

 

The center of Copenhagen is filled with twisty roads. This is by design - in case of invasion the enemy couldn't shoot from one end of the street to the other

 There are a lot of pedestrian-only sections of the city center. This is Hochbrucke Plads (Square).

This is Højbro Plads. The statue is of Absalon, the Danish warrior-bishop who is considered the founder of Copenhagen.

These elephant statues were all over Copenhagen. They are part of an international outdoor exhibit run by The Elephant Parade to raise money for the preservation of the Asian elephants.

There is a lot of street food in Copenhagen, but most of the vendors work out of storefront counter that face out from full restaurants. The stand-alone carts mostly sell hotdogs. There are multiple varieties of them (beef, pork, veal, etc.) and you can by them wrapped in dough or as is served on a tray with mustard.  

There are castles or slots scattered around the city. Originally built as residences for the royal family, most have been turned over to the Danish government. Above is the Christiansborg Castle, now the home of Danish Parliament and Supreme Court

This is the Frederiksberg Slot. Originally built as the royal family's summer residence, it now houses the Royal Danish Army Officers Academy. The tower to the right is part of the Copenhagen Zoo.

The slot is part of Frederiksberg Park, one of the largest and most attractive greenspaces in Copenhagen.

This is a tree with hundred of baby pacifiers hanging from its branches. It confused the hell out of me when I first saw it. I have since learned that when a child grows old enough to give up their pacifier it is the custom to take it to this tree and leave it there.

This is City Hall Square. A lot of public events are held here. The first night I was in Copenhagen there was a concert to mark the end of Danish Gay Pride weekend. When I was leaving they were setting up outdoor basketball courts for a tournament.

Copenhagen City Hall

This building kitty-corners on City Hall Square. It has three interesting features:

1. There is a figure holding a bicycle at the top.
2. The corner is a thermometer.
3. The Carlsberg logo on the building reads "Probably the Best Beer in Town". There were a number of ads in Copenhagen where "probably" was used. This might be to avoid lawsuits.

Tivoli Gardens is the Disneyland of Copenhagen (Walt Disney was actually inspired by Tivoli when he was building his park). It was built in the 1840’s as a way to amuse the public during a time of political unrest. It is known for amusement rides, performance venues and restaurants. It costs 75 to 95 DKK (about $15 to $19) just to enter the park. Rides are extra and the restaurants are on the expensive side. Most of the performances are free. The younger you are, the more you will appreciate the place.

The Pantomime Theater

Tivoli's Moorish Palace, which contains the Nimb Hotel and Restaurant.

Big band jazz performance with the Dæmonen roller coaster in the background.

These are the three most impressive rides in Tivoli. They are the tallest objects in the city center and can be used as landmarks when wandering the streets.

Tivoli closes most nights at 10:00 PM, so there are a lot of lights along the walkways

A statue of Pierrot or Pjerrot - a stock character of the pantomime plays that are performed regularly at Tivoli.

While we were in Copenhagen the Danish Prime minister called for parliamentary elections. The next day bands of political party workers were out covering everything they could find with candidate posters.

 

Denmark has its share of politicians who are finks too. Notice the style of the poster above it. All the candidates of that party had black and white, partial face posters.

Vor Frelsers Kirke (The Church of our Savior). Located in the Christianshavn district  the church's the main attraction is the golden spire. 90 meters high, it is open to the public and the last third of the climb is a spiral staircase on the outside of the building.

Views from the top of the spire

This is another view of the Church of Our Savior rising over the outer wall of Christiania.  Christiania is a kind of commune where free-thinkers and outcasts live together. It was founded by squatters who took over deserted military buildings during a housing shortage. It is also an area known for the open sale of marijuana in its “Green Light District”. The district has three rules: 

1. Have fun
2. Don’t run (implies that someone - the law - is chasing you)
3. No cameras (see #2)

This is the original Amager Beach Park located about 5 kilometers from the center of Copenhagen. It was not considered a very good beach due to it's shallowness and poor water quality. To improve its condition, Denmark built an artificial island front of it designed to fix those problems.

Amager Beach Park is now considerd a "Blue Flag" beach - indicating top notch quality with regard to the environment, security, facilities and information.

I had to take a picture of this sand sculpture because of the effort someone put into making it. It is life-sized. The hair and tail are seaweed. The bra is small clam shells. The belt is muscle shells. There is also a wrist-watch made from pebbles.

Off in the distance in this picture you can see the  Øresund Bridge, which connects Copenhagen with Malmo, Sweden. It is the longest road and rail bridge in Europe.

 

Also visible from the beach are the offshore wind farms. Wind power accounts for over 22% of Copenhagen's electricity consumption. The plan is to increase the number of wind turbines to provide 50%.

General Comments About Copenhagen

You don't have to sign a customs declaration form when you land at Copenhagen Airport.

Beer is everywhere. There are no open container laws so people walk around with cans and bottles of Carlsberg and Tuborg all day long.

Surprisingly the most common US business is 7-11. They are on almost every busy intersection in the city. Naturally they sell danish snack food rather than taquitos and nachos. Of course beer is in every store.

All public transportation (bus, metro, commuter rail) is considered a single entity. To get from point A to point B you pay for the number of zones you will go through. The ticket is good for an hour and you can use any combination of transportation you want.

The Danes are into hooks. They are all over the walls and under tables (for umbrellas). Subsequently almost everything sold in Denmark has a loop on it so it can hang.

While there are not many cars in the city center there are plenty of bicycles. You can easily come across a parking area filled with hundreds of bikes. There are supposed to be bike lanes, but bikers will go wherever they feel they have to.

In addition to bikes there are pedi-cabs. The people who drive these cabs are the same as cabdrivers in the heart of NYC. Keep your eyes and ears open when walking Copenhagen streets.

The restaurants in the city center are a combination of touristy places and immigrant-owned businesses. The most popular food on the streets are pizza, shawama, “China boxes”, crepes, waffles, and Indian. Those restaurants not located on the main pedestrian streets have people holding signs with dinner specials and directions to their shops.

As with most of Europe there is a lot of smoking in Copenhagen - pretty much all done outside. While Copenhagen does a great job keeping the streets clean of general litter, there are cigarette butts everywhere.

Movies houses sell reserved seats like theaters - there are even price differentials depending on where you sit.

Danish bakers are fantastic. Their pasties and breads are among the best I have ever eaten.

A Danish sandwich is a work of art.

Danish dragons have belly buttons.

My Coffee with Dia

(Kind of Like "My Dinner with Andre" but with just coffee and a Chickenpurse)

Anyone who has read this blog (there has to be someone!) knows of my admiration for Dia Zerva: wrestler, erotic performer, clipstore maven, chickenpurse lover, and all-around babe. This admiration has always been from afar - Dia lives in Las Vegas and most of the companies she works with are in the west. I tend to stay on the east coast with occasional business trips. As much as I would have liked to meet her, the odds of doing so seemed extremely slim.

The first inking that there was a possibility was a tweet she sent out in November:

Dia: Morning! Boston rain is lovely & heading to NYC to do sessions with my bud @RachelFights ! We have some times available:)

Excuse me?

Me: @DiaZerva You were in BOSTON!?!?!

Dia:  @BBVinny yup all work and no play

Me: @DiaZerva I wish I had known! I'd have brought you some cannoli or something :(

While missing this opportunity was disappointing, it raised a glimmer of hope - she came to Boston once, maybe she would again. In December, my hopes were realized:

Dia: @BBVinny cheers mate! Will be in Boston In February!

Me: @DiaZerva Coming to Boston? YAY!!! In February???? Bring boots! (the ones for snow - not just the stomping kind ;) ) 

Me: @DiaZerva February? That means I only have less than two months to clean the state up!

Dia: @BBVinny and cannolis!:p

She remembered the cannolis! She wanted to meet me! To say I was psyched was putting it mildly. It took some effort not to jump up and down while I was reading.

Of course the path to achieving one's desires is never smooth. I was prescient about my boots comment - Boston had over 70 inches of snow in January, which at times brought the city to a standstill. I started worrying about travel.

Me: @DiaZerva I'm beginning to wonder if Boston will be accessible when you come here :(

Dia: @BBVinny I heard there are snow monsters out that way! You think it will clear up end of next week?

Me: @DiaZerva I will dig out all of Boston with a teaspoon if that helps you get here! ;)

Dia: @BBVinny haha awesome! Well please keep me posted if you don't mind! I'm looking forward to Boston!

Me: @DiaZerva BBV Weather Services at your command ;)

I truly believe I held off any more major Boston snowstorms from that point on through sheer willpower. Finally the day came when she arrived in Boston. I sent her a tweet:

@DiaZerva So, how do I get you cannolis? ;)

No response. Nothing. Nada. Was it something I said? Did she google my name and find some other BBVinny on a police blotter? The reason was actually pretty simple:

Dia: Sorry cookies! Busy next couple days so if I don't reply to your twitter post, you're not forgotten! Muah!!!

There was nothing I could really do about it. She was in town on business and I wouldn't want to interfere with that. I tried to put my best face on it.

Me: @DiaZerva Oh well, I guess cannolis will have to be some other time :( I hope you are having some fun in Boston despite being so busy :)  

I was disappointed - this was the second time Dia was in town and I wasn't able to even say "hi" to her. Then I got the following DM from her:

I haven't left my hotel room since I landed yesterday morning lol. I take a train out 8:40am if you wanna meet at 6am? :( working til 11pm

Holy freaking smoke! She really wanted to meet me? She was obviously suffering from sleep deprivation. Before she came to her senses, I sent her a message saying that I'd drive her to the train station. So that was why at 6:00 on a Saturday morning rather than being asleep I was sitting in a hotel lobby trying very hard not to look like a creep.

I admit that as I sat there I started getting worried. Was I a creep? Was she going to take one look at me and run? I had an image of Dia based on her blog, her YouTube posts, and our tweets. I wondered if I built her up too much in my mind.

I am happy to say that my fears were unfounded. In the Boston vernacular, Dia Zerva is a WICKED AWESOME person!

First of all, Dia is as pretty and sexy in person as she appears in her work. She was dressed in a knit dress/tights outfit (with very stylish accessories - not that I know anything about that) that had me using all my maturity and suaveness not to shout "YOWZA!!!"

She is a very cheerful person. She smiled almost the entire time we were together, even though she was very tired from all the hours she had put in. She charmed everyone she spoke to: front desk people, redcaps, and of course me.

She is a hugger - I got one when we met and another when she left. As a fellow hugger it was greatly appreciated! To paraphrase Kasper Gutman in The Maltese Falcon: I am a man who likes hugging someone  who likes to hug.

I also met the famous chickenpurse (if you do not know what I am talking about you are not a true fan). Pictures do not do it justice.

Dia was in what she is calling her gypsy period - crisscrossing the country and Europe for several months working. Because of this, she had slightly less luggage than Hannibal did when he crossed the Alps. The amount is understandable because she was not only carrying the clothes she would need for all that time but also her work outfits, the equipment she needs to hold sessions, shoot and edit clips, etc. (I'd love to watch the HSA examine some of THAT stuff).  Fortunately, my car has a large trunk so there was no problem loading it all in.

When we got to the station we got coffee (Dia bought) and sat and talked. It was like talking to someone I had known for years. We talked about our lives, people we knew (a shout out to our Taki), work, travel, etc. I want to emphasize something:  Dia really didn't know me. She had no obligation to meet me. She was tired from working long hours and getting up early to catch a train. Yet she made the effort to meet me before she left. That is the kind of person she is.

When she finally left to get on board the train, five minutes later I wished she was back. I don't know if I will ever see her again - I hope I do - but I am extremely happy to have met her.

Oh, she also punched me in the arm - DAMN, she's strong!

Strip Clubs, Jabba the Hut and Me

It may be hard for you to believe, but when I was in my twenties I would go to strip clubs. It wasn’t a regular thing for me - I went with friends about 4-6 times a year (more if there was a bachelor party that year).This occurred in the late seventies/early eighties. Strip clubs were much “simpler” back then: women danced near a pole, men threw money on the stage or tucked it in their g-strings. Simple.

(Side note: my friend P and I once drove over 50 miles from where we lived to see Rhonda Jo Petty dance - worth every drop of gas we used)

Towards the end of that period, P came back from a business trip to Montreal and told me about this fantastic strip club, Club Super Sexe (it’s still there!) where they did something called private dances - a woman would bring a small stage to where you were seated and dance JUST FOR YOU! What a concept!

It was years later before I actually experienced it during a bachelor party at a club I had never been to before. When we entered the club the first thing I noticed was that we were seated much further from the stage than I was used to. We went upstairs to a balcony area where the chairs were in a row up against the wall rather than at a table. Soon after we sat down there were these women in skimpy costumes walking from chair to chair asking if the guy wanted to buy a dance for $10. My friend P (same one - he was at most of my strip club forays) bought me a dance from a blond dancer. She stood right in front me undulating and taking off her clothes.

It made me very uncomfortable. She was young and still had that “baby fat” look teens have just before maturity fully kicked in. The idea that she was in some way “bought for me” bothered me. When she finished I gave her another $10 because I wanted the “ownership” of the dance. I did not get another dance and was disconcerted the rest of the evening.

I did not go to another club for a long time. During my hiatus I heard of something else I hadn’t known about: lap dances. I was watching a news program when a story came on about an effort to crack down on lap dances in NYC. Part of the story was a demonstration of what a lap dance was, done by a clothed stripper. I was shocked! A woman rubbing her ass into your crotch? What if you got an erection? What if you (OMG) came? Wouldn’t your clothes get all messy? How could you go through the rest of the night with your underwear filled with spunk?

I couldn’t see myself getting a lap dance at all. I was going through one of my dry spells (I’ve had more dry spells than the Sahara) so I knew if a woman so much as touched my thigh I’d go off. Also, I had seen “Showgirls” - I definitely didn’t want that kind of activity performed on top of me. I pretty much figured my time at strip clubs were over.

Until my business trip to Dallas.

In the late 90’s I was working for a company that had just bought another company in Dallas. I was part of the team that had to merge the two companies’ computer systems. Around five people - including myself, my boss and my boss’s boss - went down to Dallas to start analyzing what had to be done.

The company division I worked in was like a locker room. There was a lot of talk about drinking and sex: who in the office you would do, guys sexual orientation, discussion/acquisition of porn, etc. It was the kind of place you would study to write a manual about inappropriate behavior at the workplace (side note: most of this talk occurred behind closed doors. I have NEVER harassed a woman nor made them feel uncomfortable. I flirt, but I have told every woman I have flirted with I would stop immediately and never bother her again if I ever made them uncomfortable. Not one ever did). So I was not surprised that one night during the trip my boss’s boss wanted to go to a strip club. Everyone from the group I was traveling with and some of guys from the Dallas office agreed to go. While I wasn’t really interested in going, I also didn’t want to be the only person who didn’t. I figured I’d just stay in the background and let the other drink and do whatever.

We all went out to dinner and drinks and after getting properly lubricated we went a club called BabyDolls (still there). When we arrived I was struck by how large it was - much larger than any club I had been to in Massachusetts. The parking lot was full - surprising as it was a work night (Texans must like their beef and their babes). We went to the entrance where two HUGE guys were collecting cover charges. After we paid we walked through black velvet curtains....

... and I cannot begin to tell you how fast my jaw dropped. It had been a while, but I thought I knew what the inside of a strip club looked like. The interior of BabyDolls seemed as big as an airplane hanger. There were several stages with women dancing on them, a bar that pretty much went the length of the room, strobe lights, loud music, and wall-to-wall people. I was pretty much close to sensory overload when I realized that my group was walking through a doorway. I followed them and had my second jaw-dropping moment.

The second room was smaller than the first, but was still bigger than any strip club I had ever been in. The lights were low but you could still see well enough to make out what was in the room. There was music playing, but nowhere near as loud as the first room. There were no stages, only tables that practically filled the room. The tables were of varying sizes and each seemed completely occupied. My eyes adjusted to the light and I was able to see more clearly.

That’s when I saw the women.

There has to be somewhere between 50 to 100 women walking around or sitting at the tables. Some wore sequenced stripper outfits. Some had on just a thong bikini. Some had on kimonos, silk robes, etc. Blonds, brunettes, Asians, blacks, Hispanics, short, tall, long hair, short hair - the whole range. What they all had in common was they were beautiful and they were giving men lap dances.

Somehow my boss’s boss found an empty table near a wall. We made our way to it through the crowd and ordered some beers. I was then able to observe how the lap dance process worked. The walking women would come up to a man sitting next to an empty chair and ask if he would like some company. If he did, she would sit down with him. They would talk for a while - she would always manage to hold his hand or touch him during the conversation. At some point she would ask him if he wanted a dance. She would then take off most of her clothes and give him one - either back to front or face to face. If he wasn’t comfortable doing it at the table, she could lead him to a more secluded spot in the back of the room.

My boss and my boss’s boss soon each had a lovely lady sitting next to them. I was of two minds about the situation. On the one hand I still had strong doubts about my ability to survive a lap dance (getting all spunky in front of your boss is probably not a good idea). On the other hand there were a lot of pretty women around and I enjoy talking to pretty women. I’d pay for a dance (that was their livelihood after all) but only talk. I was still debating with myself whether or not to do it when I happened to look over at another table. What I saw made up my mind for me.

She was tall and thin and as elegant as a woman can be standing in nothing but a sequenced thong bikini. Her hair was cut very short. She was probably a dancer as she had very nice muscle definition. Her breasts were perfect for her body - not small but not overpowering. All in all, one of the most beautiful, sexy women I had ever seen in a strip club.

He was fat. I’m not talking overweight; I mean obese. He couldn’t sit up straight in his chair. He sort of reclined back as if gravity pulled on him more than other people. He had short black hair, glasses, and a mustache. His neck was one gigantic chin resembling a bullfrog in mid-croak. I was too far away to see it, but I knew he was sweating. He reminded me of Jabba the Hut. In any other situation I would have tried very hard not to look at him. However, he was getting a lap dance from the tall stripper.

She was very sexy as she danced and swayed before the fat man. As she danced she reached up and unclasped the front of her bra, freeing her breasts. She stepped forward, put her hands on his knees and did a series of squats, shaking her breasts at him and swinging her hips. She then laid on top of him face to face (as he had no discernible lap). She undulated on him with her face close to his. I could see her ass making small thrusts into him.

I was nauseated. It was one of the most vile sights I had ever seen. I couldn’t see anyone wanting to be in the same room as that man, let alone be almost naked on top of him. How could she do such a thing? Then I remembered it was her job. She was getting paid to be on top of him (I hoped she was getting much more than her usual amount). My emotions changed from pity for her to anger at him.  I was positive if it wasn’t her job, she wouldn’t go near that pile of sweating blubber. How DARE he subject that woman to his disgusting self? And then, as is my wont, I thought “How am I any different from him?”

I had an almost physical reaction to that thought. There was no doubt in my mind that the woman had to be bothered being on top of that man. She did it because that was how she made a living. There were probably things she would not do, but she would do generally unpleasant things to earn her money. In my mind, a good person would not subject a woman to things she would not like. Therefore, how could I ask any stripper to be near me given the possibility that ordinarily she would not want to be near me? The answer was obvious: I couldn’t.

I practically jumped up from the table. I spent the rest of the evening walking around the building, not making eye contact with any dancer. I haven’t been to a strip club since that night.

So, why have I told this story? As I have mentioned in previous entries, I exchange tweets with a number of women in the adult industry. Occasional they post links to pictures of conventions, expos, and the like they attend. Some of these links are their own, some are from other attendees. Occasionally there with be a picture of the woman with a fan, who seems more often than not to be an overweight, hairy guy. Like the Texas Jabba the Hut. Like yours truly.

This is why no matter how friendly I become with any of the ladies I follow, I probably will never meet them nor try to.

I don’t want to be Jabba the Hut.

We interupt our soul searching for an important announcement:

DIA ZERVA WON THE 2010 ULTIMATE SURRENDER SUMMER VENGEANCE ELIMINATION CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOT!! WOOT!! WOOT!! WOOT!!!!

 ALL HAIL THE CHAMPION!!!!!!!!!!!

My Paean to Dia Zerva

This may be the first in a series of blogs about my favorite people in the adult industry (yes, it will be mostly women - you know me so well). I say "may" because the frequency that I seem to blog and the number of things I still have to say about myself might prevent me from writing another individual-based blog for a long time. If that is the case, I wanted to be sure that I did devote one entry to the first woman I ever followed in Twitter and who was one of my inspirations to start this blog: Dia Zerva.

For those of you who have read some of my earlier entries, you may remember that when I was very young I had a thing about women wrestlers - specifically women in very little clothing wrestling each other. This "fetish" (for lack of a better term) has stayed with me all my life. Growing up, the only real source I had was the Saturday morning wrestling programs. Unfortunately, this was during the time that women wrestlers looked more like cafeteria ladies than models. Things got a bit better as time went on (a shout out to Wendy Ricter and GLOW), but still had a long way to go.

The creation of the internet came to my rescue. Through Yahoo I found such sites as Joan Wise (where I first discovered face sitting) Steel Kittens,  Golden Girls and others. Not only were these ladies scantily clad, but occasionally a top and/or bottom would come off. While these were good, it wasn't quite what I wanted. It was obvious a lot of the women weren't really wrestlers, which I discovered actually mattered to me.

As time went on and the internet "matured" (and I didn't) I began finding sites that would show clips from pay sites to try to draw potential customers. While perusing these, I found Ultimate Surrender. The basic premise of the site is this: women in bikinis would wrestle each other. During the fight they would try to remove each other's clothing and molest their opponent while still working on submission holds. At the end of the match, the winner uses a strap-on (and sometimes a vibrator) on the loser.

Basically, it was MY kind of a site!

I watched many of the clips and was quite impressed with the ferocity of the wrestling and the sex at the end. This was definitely something worth looking into. I watched a few in their entirety and was equally impressed. One day, I saw a link to a match between Annie Cruz (whom I had seen before) and someone named Dia Zerva. Her name intrigued me; what does a Dia Zerva look like? So, I checked her out:

Height - Average (OK)
Hair - Blond (Good)
Boobs - Natural (Nice)
Body - Athletic (Very Nice)
Looks - Very Pretty (Oh Yes)
Overall Evaluation - Definitely Worth Watching

The start of the video was pretty much the same as all the other US films - smack talk and promises of sexual assault. Then the match started.

And Dia Zerva ate Annie Cruz alive.

It was no contest. Dia threw Annie around like a rag doll, stripped her naked, and had her way with her. She fingered Annie until she squirted, rubbed her pussy in Annie's face, and didn't lose a point to her. During the match Dia got sweaty - a definite plus for me. Dia was getting better and better in my eyes. During the final scene Dia fucked her silly with a strap-on. There was one or two moments that was a little extreme, such as when Dia made Annie lick the floor. At the very end she grabbed Annie by the hair and ran her into a wall - again a touch more than I expected but not too much.

And then Dia picked Annie up, threw her over her shoulder and carried her off.

Now I really need to make sure you fully appreciate that moment.

A NAKED SWEATY SEXY BLOND WOMAN WRESTLED ANOTHER NAKED SEXY WOMAN, FUCKED HER WITH A STRAP-ON AND CARRIED HER OTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!!!

Nudity, wrestling, lesbianism, strap-ons, sweat and OTS carrying! So many of my favorite things personified in a single woman! I had a brain orgasm! (All the pleasure, none of the stickiness)

There are things that occur in your life that become permanently etched in your mind. I can still see Neil Armstrong jumping off that last ladder rung onto the lunar surface. I can still see Larry Bird getting his own rebound and shooting a basket as he was going out of bounds behind the backboard. I can still see the crowd on the National Mall as President Obama was sworn in. And I can still see a naked Dia Zerva carrying a naked Annie Cruz over her shoulder. This image will never leave me. Dia Zerva is now a part of my core memories. I will be able to pull this image up on my death bed so I can die happy.

I have become quite a fan of Dia's since that day. I have seen her beat a number of other women and carry them off (sometimes to have sex in the bathroom). I have watched her lose - which I still cannot believe! (I want a recount!) I have watched her have sex with both men and women (mostly women). When she orgasms, she utters this unique cry/whine/tremolo combination. Years ago, Harley Davidson tried to copyright the sounds of their motorcycle. Dia should look into copyrighting her orgasm.

A consequence of following Dia has been a deeper introduction to the BDSM side of the adult industry. Dia has made a number of videos in this field. I have watched her in both the top and bottom roles. I have seen her tied, whipped, clamped, drowned, shocked, and buried. I cannot say I am entirely comfortable with some of the scenes she has done, but these have shown me how truly strong she is. The control of a BDSM scene belongs to the bottom - he/she can stop it at any time. Her endurance has impressed the hell out of me. I know I am nowhere near as strong as she is.

When I learned she had a Twitter account, I went to check it out (hey, I may be in my 50's but I'm "hep"). She protects her tweets, so the only way I could look at them was to sign up and ask her. This is the reason why I have a Twitter account (if you look at my account, you will see that she is the first person I ever followed). From reading her tweets I have learned that she is smart, sexy, warm, funny, loyal to her friends, a hard worker, and strangely addicted to taking pictures of a chickenpurse. I consider myself quite fortunate that, although she has over 3200 followers, she will reply to some of the tweets I send her.

Now I don't want you to think I'm some kind of crazed fan/stalker. I just appreciate Dia and enjoy her as a performer and as a person. It's not like I know where she lives (Las Vegas) or the strip club she works at occasionally (Talk of the Town) or some of her earlier careers (marine, musician, waitress in college, graphic designer, office manager, mortgage broker, organizer), or what she takes classes in (Pole dancing, Brazilian Jujitsu). I mean, if I was obsessed I would know what musical instrument she played (french horn), the names of some of her friends (Wenona, Ariel X, Tomiko, Sarah Blake, Paris Kennedy), her "Boo" (Wordman) or even her six cats (Sully, TC, Mozart, Dealer, Hunter and Mitzy). Heck, I would even know the name of her biggest fan in Japan (Takiko).

At least I don't think I am.

BTW - Dia Zerva can be found here. If you don't know her, go check her out (you can thank me later).

25 Things I Have Learned from Watching Porn

1. No matter how disgustingly blank a person is, there is someone out there who will fuck him/her.
2. There are women out there wearing butt plugs right now.
3. 99% of all women are shaved.
4. Surprisingly, so are 50% of the men.
5. Nuns and priests have a better sex life than I do.
6. There are secret rooms in your neighbors' houses that you don't want to know about.
7. All your relatives, in-laws, and neighbors are screwing each other.
8. There are sexual fringe benefits to the following professions: babysitter, delivery service, teacher, law enforcement, gardener, pool boy, handyman, waitstaff, cook, servants, postal carriers.
9. Be sure to keep your house clean because sooner or later someone will be having sex somewhere in it.
10. Have all your furniture scotch-guarded and constantly wipe down every table, counter, and flat surface.
11. There are 20-30 year old people still attending high school.
12. Be very suspicious if your teen-age children suddenly become straight-A students.
13. Be good to your spouse, or he/she will have sex with any number of random people simultaneously.
14. Invest in the following growth industries: thong underwear, sex toys, body jewelry, whipped cream, tattoo parlors, leather, and latex.
15. If you want a good night's sleep, put a lock on your bedroom door.
16. If you see ping pong paddles but no table in your neighbor's house, don't turn your back on them.
17. Be sure to wash all fruits and vegetables before consumption.
18. Always wear clean underwear, as you never know who will be removing them;
    
19. There's a hidden camera somewhere near you.
20. It's very hard to get a woman to remove their stilettos.
21. The following statements/questions are sexual come-ons:
        Have you seen my dog?
        Can I clean the room now?
        My blank isn't home right now.
        I can't afford that.
        Happy Birthday.
22. There's more hardware in a bedside table than a Home Depot.
23. The reaction from someone walking in while you are having sex will not be what you expect.
24. Situations that you would expect to hinder your sex life, such as imprisonment or hospitalization, can actually improve it.
25. Every man in the world has a larger dick than I do.