Porn Themes I Don’t Like (First in a Series)

The internet has opened a vast array of porn to the average web surfer. I, being an above average surfer, have found almost more than I can handle. Just as impressive as the amount of porn available is the variety. Frankly, I have seen things I never knew existed. Some of these remind me of the old joke that the bravest person in the history of the world was the first person who drank milk (See those things hanging below that animal? I’m going over there and pull on them and whatever comes out, I’m going to drink!). I would love to know what prompted the first people who ever did some of this stuff.


As a discriminating consumer, I have compiled a list of what I like and what I don’t like. I will be sharing both lists over time, as the variety of available themes far exceeds what should go in a single blog post (you can tell from my previous posts I am fairly long-winded and addicted to asides). Use these list to judge if, should you ever meet me, you would say “Pleased to meet you” and share a cup of coffee or you would beat me over the head violently with a dead skunk – which by the way is on my list of dislikes.

I’m not saying that these themes should be outlawed. Any consensual act between people that does not do permanent harm should not be anyone’s business (I draw the line at such things as mutilation and child porn). I’m just saying that sites that advertise things such as “Watch me fuck an iguana” will not be getting my viewership.

So, in no particular order, my dislikes:

Facials

I know these are the ending shot of almost every video that has a guy in it, but they just don’t appeal to me. Frankly, I feel that they are very disrespectful to the person receiving. I understand that seeing the male orgasm is required viewing (here’s a question: why?), but to see his partner’s face turned into a gooey mess just detracts from my enjoyment. Give me the belly shot, the pearl necklace, or just pull out and cum on her ass - my favorite. There’s something about seeing a load on a round bottom that I find appealing.

Gang Bangs

I don’t understand the attraction to these. You don’t get a very good look at the girl. There are always guys jacking off in the background. It doesn’t look very comfortable at all for anybody. And the final shot is almost always a bunch of guys practically drowning the poor girl in sperm.

A variation to this is the “how many men can the star handle “videos (I.e. “The Houston 500”). It isn’t really my idea of fucking (six pumps, bring in the next guy). How anyone can get a woody from that is beyond me.

Extreme Anal

Similar to facials, a high percentage of male/female videos have anal sex in them. Now, I can accept that there must be some kind of sexual satisfaction for the bottom, seeing that it is a major part of male gay sex. I admit getting turned on by the up-against-the-wall pull-up-the-skirt pull-down the thong get-down-to-it scenario. I also admit there are videos with women that have a reasonably sized butt plug in them that do it for me (there is one Gauge and Aurora Snow video where the plug has a horse tail that is just outstanding). However, there are limits. First, whatever is going up there should be smaller than a ping pong ball. Second, I am really turned off when they have shots where the asshole is the size of a manhole. Finally, the shot where the girl is forcing the sperm back out? Is that really necessary?

Fisting

The thought of turning a person into a hand puppet doesn’t do a thing for me. Four fingers – that’s the limit.

Scat

Peeing and crapping on each other? Yuck! (Again, who first came up with this?)

By the way, I have seen the infamous “Two Girls and a Cup” video. I don’t know if it is because I’m not surprised by how people can behave or because I have a strong stomach, but I didn’t scream or cover my eyes or run out of the room. I didn’t get any kind of enjoyment out of it, but it didn’t get to me.

Overuse of Blowjobs

Look, I enjoy watching a good blowjob. There are a number of women out there that do a tremendous job. But it is only one aspect of porn. I want to get to the fucking in a reasonable amount of time. When the blowjob portion is over half the length of the video it is too much. And many times, after an extremely long blow job finally leads to some screwing, they go back and do some more! Enough is enough!

As an aside, I would like to confess here that I have never gotten one. Yup, 54 years old and never been sucked. It is the only thing on my bucket list (Meeting the president vs. getting a blowjob? Let me just drop trou). Perhaps this is a factor in my dislike of prolonged bj scenes.

Close-ups of Genitalia

I get that the major difference between softcore and hardcore porn is actually showing dicks and pussies. But ten straight minutes of looking at a close-up of a guy’s hairy butt and dangling balls? No thank you. Give me a long shot. Heaving bodies and facial reactions all at once – now you’re talking!

To be continued …